Turn Out

Turning out
First position
bend, straighten
the air is chill. I feel like me again.

Turning out
Second position
bend, straighten
the air is sweet. I feel like me again.

Turning out
First position
bend, straighten

finish

We are here together, the earth and me.
Why do I insist that we have turned out so differently.

Someone should have told me but stupid never listens.

You're an idiot if you ever thought this was about you
a fool to think you were anything more than a warm body to fill a space
A complete moron if you thought it would get better
an idiot to think it was all about you.

Running out of:
patience
time
money
emotions
life

Knowing it's my fault
doesn't stop me from screaming
knowing it's my fault
doesn't make it better
knowing it's my fault
just makes me want to take it all out on myself

It's not cancer. It's vacation.

I am, by nature, an anxious person. Throw in a return to a beach where a very bad tragic event occurred, an ex wife putting in her two cents about the trip more than once, a mother in law with no tact, an entire slew of people I don't know but need to impress, two jumpy dogs, an allergy to the sun, and a seven hour road trip and I am a complete basket case.

For the last six years I have dreaded the annual family vacation. Year seven is like I have the stomach flu and TMJ AND an anxiety disorder. FUN. I actually called the doctor to make an appointment thinking he'd tell me I had colon cancer but then I realized today it's not cancer. It's my impending vacation.

My anxiety level today is through the roof. For no reason that I can see. So I'm trying very hard to ignore the thoughts in my head telling me I have a variety of deadly diseases because it's only making it worse.

I am trying very hard to stay calm and not focus on this but I am not doing a good job so I will vent it here. I have more life and job experience than the idiot they promoted to manager. I hope I get this other job and it pays enough for me to quit this one but I doubt it. I'll probably end up with another two jobs and no life. Also I wish his ex would just vanish or burst into flames. I'm fucking fed up with everything.

Still not completely better.

I'd give anything to be a normal family again. To not be the ones standing by the tree feeling the loss. But we are broken and always will be. Everyone feels the loss. Even people I don't know, I can see it in their faces and there's no way to ease their pain either.

Not Cool.

Last night I had this dream. I walked into a large room where an award ceremony was being held for performance groups. (I didn't recognize any of the people in the dream, but I did recognize the different groups they represented.) The only groups up for awards, were the ones I have or have had a part in. They were all winning something and I was just now finding out. No one had bothered to tell me and everyone was there in makeup and costume and I wasn't although I would have liked to be. I was very upset and when I asked why no one had told me they laughed at me.